nights like this, I become afraid (of the darkness in my heart)
by PardonMyManners
Summary: Living, it turns out, is much harder than dying and the Rebellion isn't done with Jyn and Cassian just yet. (Partial Fix-It AU; Jyn/Cassian)


**A/N:** Rogue One killed me, this is my way of coping with the pain lol. A short chapter to start of us off, longer ones to come. Be gentle with me, Star Wars fic is a new realm for me.

* * *

For the first time in her life, Jyn Erso didn't have an escape plan.

There was no backup strategy, no plan B, no contingency plan -not this time. She'd spent her life running and hiding, mostly from herself, and she was weary of it, weary of trying to out maneuver death. _Was this how Saw felt,_ she wondered as the elevator eased to a stop and the doors opened.

She stumbled with Cassian toward the beach, heading toward the blooming explosion cloud rather than away from it. Why put off the inevitable? Why run from something she couldn't possibly escape? Besides, she'd always liked beaches –the warmth of the sand, the sound of the waves, the quiet power of the ocean. Cassian was weakening, his feet dragging as he clutched at his side, face contorted with agony. The battle had calmed, only the occasional sound of blaster fire disturbing the soft ocean breeze and the sound of gentle waves. It was the long breath before the end, as if the entire island sensed the inescapable.

Cassian tripped, stumbling, and Jyn was too weak to do more than help lower him as gently as possible to the sand before collapsing next to him. The blast blossomed into a looming sun on the horizon, rushing toward them, and she could smell the ionic energy of it, feel the rising heat on the wind that rushed past her ears. It was beautiful, in its way.

She reached out to take Cassian's hand, more grateful than she could say that she would not have to die as she had lived, alone.

"Your father would be proud of you, Jyn," he said, that slight smile tugging at his lips, the one she'd come to long for. A smile Jyn returned, her heart full and at peace.

"Perhaps the two of you could hold hands _later_ and climb aboard the ship _now_ ," a familiar voice called and Jyn's head whipped around to find Baze leaning heavily against the side of the hovering cargo craft.

Despite his injuries, Cassian was quicker to react than she, scrambling to his feet and half dragging her to the open bay doors. Jyn mechanically pulled herself aboard as Baze assisted Cassian, who was gray and pallid with pain, eyelids fluttering on the brink of unconsciousness.

"Go, go, go!" Baze bellowed as he dragged a groaning Cassian further into the ship and the explosion rushed toward them.

They weren't going to make it, Jyn was sure, and she collapsed onto the cool metal, almost wishing they had just stayed on the beach. One could only avoid death for so long before it finally caught up. Their luck, she was certain, had run out.

Whoever was in the cockpit hit the thruster _hard,_ sending them skidding across the floor and Jyn banged roughly against the adjacent wall of the deck. She cried out in pain, head spinning as the bay doors lifted and the heat from the blast chased after them. Someone reached out for her, took her hand and pulled her across the floor and into their arms.

"I've got you," Cassian croaked into her hair, and Jyn relaxed, melted into the words. He smelled of sweat, blood, the ionic discharge of a blaster, and something softer and sweeter. Something that reminded her of home and of safety and comfort. She wrapped her arms clumsily around him and embraced the growing darkness, slipping gently and willingly into it.

* * *

Jyn groaned into a semblance of awareness, a faint beeping reverberating in her ears. Everything hurt. Her _eyelids_ hurt. She felt heavy, weighed down to the very marrow of her bones, unable to move, unable to open her eyes. Unable to think much beyond the fact that she was in too much pain to be dead.

"There now, you're safe, you're safe" said a calming voice and there was prick in her arm and numbness crept through her veins. The relief was so acute that she slipped into unconsciousness again, distantly hoping that Cassian was nearby.

* * *

When she awoke again it was suddenly and completely. Eyes snapping open and heart pounding with a half remembered dream. She'd been running down a long, dark corridor, lights flickering and the earth rumbling beneath her. Cassian had been running ahead of her, turning back periodically to shout things at her, hand extended, before something had gripped her by the ankle and dragged her down, down into the darkness.

Jyn collapsed back into the pillows of her hospital bed, trying to still her trembling and swallowing against the desert in her throat. She'd visited the medical bay once at the rebel headquarters, shortly after her 'rescue', and was fairly certain that that was where she was, as impossible as it seemed. Medical instruments beeped softly and the room was only dimly lit. There were no windows, only a glass door that was glazed over. She had no sense of how long she'd been unconscious, it might have been hours or possibly years for all she knew.

The door slid open and medical droid rolled in with a platter of food clutched between its metal pincers. "Good evening, ma'am," it said, rolling toward her and using a secondary attachment to summon a table from the side of her bed. "You must be famished."

It set the platter down, revealing a bland array of various vegetables and some indecipherable meat-like dish that was not at all appetizing. Jyn reached eagerly for the glass of water and took a hearty swallow, nearly choking on the unmistakable taste of vitamins.

"How long was I out?" she croaked, gasping for air and then draining the rest of the glass.

"Five days," the robot answered, fussing with some mysterious screen near Jyn's head.

Jyn rubbed a shaky hand over her face, wincing as she met a variety of bumps, bruises and cuts.

"The others?" she asked, though she feared the answer.

"Captain Andor woke earlier this morning, though his injuries were more serious. The others of your crew were not seriously injured and were released from medical detainment two days ago."

Jyn wet her lips. "How many others were there?"

"Only two others, ma'am," it replied, turning toward her, its single blue camera dilating. "You must eat."

"I'd like to see my friends, please," she said pushing herself into a better sitting position. _Only two_ , _Force save me, which two?_

She was pretty certain she knew the answer, and the truth of it clawed at her stomach and rattled against her rib cage, trying to escape before it tore her apart.

The robot seemed to hesitate. "I will ask the medical staff if that is advisable. I would recommend eating your meal, it will likely make them more lenient with your current visitation status."

Jyn sighed and reached for her fork, dutifully chomping down several disgusting mouthfuls under the robot's watchful eye. Once she was finished, the robot took her tray and disappeared out of the room, leaving Jyn to take stock. She was in better shape than she had expected, which was a bit of an understatement as she'd rather expected to die. There were bandages around her waist and her ribs ached. Her right ankle was encased in a flexible cast and her body was comprised more of bruises than flesh, but overall, she'd had worse.

Tugging out the tube from her arm, she rose to her feet, heavily favoring the left. She needed to see Cassian or Baze or someone _now_ , just to reassure herself that she was well and truly alive, to ensure that they were still with her, medical staff be damned. Since when had she ever followed the rules, anyway?

A bit dizzy, she tapped the button near the door and it slid open, revealing a dark and empty hallway. She poked her head out, deciding it was likely very early or very late, as the center operations area was empty save for a single distracted medical technician that had his back turned to her. Jyn slipped down the hall, going left and praying she was going in the right direction. She was dressed in loose, beige medical robes that swished against her sore calves, her bare feet cold against the stone floor. She'd only taken a dozen or so steps before becoming dangerously light headed and out of breath, but Cassian's picture hovered just three doors down and she forced herself onward.

Glancing down the hall to ensure the technician was still distracted, she slipped inside the room and leaned heavily against it once it slid shut.

Cassian lay sleeping beneath a dim light above his bed, which cast his angular features into sharp relief. He looked younger asleep. Peaceful for the first time since they'd met. She'd always assumed he was at least a decade older than her, but now she wasn't so sure. His normally olive skin was pale and a bit drawn, but the heart monitor ticked peacefully away.

Tears burned and she shuffled over to him, overwhelmed. Not wishing to disturb him but desperate to touch him, to reassure herself that he was real, she gently took one of his battered hands in hers. His skin was warm and rough and she studied his long fingers with their short nails and old scars through her tears.

"Am I dreaming?" he croaked, startling her so badly she jumped slightly and nearly fell across him and onto the bed, her strained muscles not quite up to compensating for surprises.

His eyes were partially open, watching her from beneath dark lashes, and that familiar smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. It made her chest ache and her skin tingle. He had several mending cuts on his cheeks and across his brow, a purple bruise beneath his right eye and along the right side of his neck that disappeared into his growing beard, but he looked better than she'd expected. In fact, he was possibly the best thing she'd ever seen.

Jyn sniffled, feeling a bit silly with relief. "I hurt too much to be dreaming."

He grunted and his fingers tightened over hers. "We almost didn't make it."

Jyn nodded, slumping against his bed, the dizziness growing. "I never expected to," she confessed at a murmur.

His fingers clenched tighter and his dark eyes shone with emotion. "Neither did I… but I'm glad we did."

She nodded, tears sliding down her poor, raw cheeks. "Me too," she said, then, "Cassian?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not sure I can make it back to my room," she mumbled, embarrassed.

He chuckled lightly and shifted over, only winching a little, just a little, and tugged gently on her hand. The thread between them hummed and vibrated, but she was too tired and hurt to pay it much heed as she slipped onto the bed , curling up against him on her good side. He threaded his fingers through hers and turned his head to rest against her brow, eyes slipping shut as a soft sigh escaped him. She realized then that they had time now, time to figure out how strong that thread was, time to understand the underlying connection they'd both been ignoring.

Jyn breathed him in, that familiar semi-sweet smell mixed with antiseptic and chemicals, felt the warmth of his hand against hers, watched his pulse twitch steadily against his throat, and smiled for what felt like the very first time.

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 **A/N:** You can find me on tumblr pardonmymannerssir

Comments are lovely and so are you.


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